Sink or Swim
by MajesticFluff
Summary: Unhealthy relationships and tainted love. A rather long drabble from Sakura's point of view about her relationship status. KakaSaku. Slight lemon.


**Hey it's been a while huh? Well, if you're reading this and you're also waiting for me to update one of my other stories, I am sorry but it's going to be a while. IT WILL HAPPEN, but not anytime soon. **

**Currently I am working my ass up and saving every last penny I have in order to move to Seattle Washington for collage and I honestly barely have any time to write and when I do I usually am working on my novel... that I intend to publish, so yeah that's important. **

**So I truly apologise, but I promise it will happen eventually. **

**For now here is a short Kakasaku fan-fiction I made up on the fly, it actually started out as an idea I was playing with for my novel but I ended up going with a different idea and the first five paragraphs have been sitting on my computer for ages now and one night while looking at fan art of my favorite ship I just started pounding away at the keys and this is what came out of it. **

**After some editing and debating if I should even post it, here is the finish product. **

**Warnings: Sexual themes, maybe some grammar or spelling issues (I'm not perfect, okay? I've been getting so many damn messages about my terrible editing skills, and frankly I am sick of it.) Don't like it, don't read it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or anything that has to do with it. Just the stories I write out of boredom and obsession.**

* * *

He told me I was as beautiful as the sky, that when he thinks he's seen the best of me; I always just amaze him further. He always wanted to be with me; to be there for me and protect me from any demons. When our skin touched it was as if electricity had shot through me. My heart would race from just the sight of him. There were fireworks. I thought that was love. See though, love runs deeper than that. Love is more, I thought I knew love but I only knew infatuation.

My first heartbreak wasn't from his cheating or lying, not even from his falling for another. No, my first heartbreak was from realizing I wasn't in love. Not only was I scared due to the idea of having to hurt this person who has only shown me kindness, but I was terrified of change. I had no idea how to deal with realizing I was lying to myself for five years. Moreover, what was I to do from there on?

My first trauma with him was when I told him the truth, not only did I prove myself further correct; I saw a side of him so well hidden I was positive he didn't even know it was there. He was yelling things like "Are you leaving me?" or "How do you not love me, after all I have given you?" It quickly changed to him attacking me, beating me, yelling that I was his and he wouldn't allow me to leave.

It was then I realized I was no one outside him. That night I decided I needed to know who I was, I had to be my own person. I could no longer live with being his shadow, his trophy. I did care for him, for the him I knew before things turned ugly. However, it was then that I realized that I did not care for myself. I never had and I never realized it. I had no time to figure myself out, to truly understand what I wanted my purpose to be. I was fed this lie about what love was, about what would make me happy. To find that electrical spark, to fall in love and settle down, have kids. Grow old while watching the future generations I helped create grow as well.

It was that night I realized how bullshit this was, how much I hated this life. I realized I didn't want that, I wanted to know myself and live. I wanted adventure and stories to tell; exciting stories that would make me proud to have lived in that way. I wanted _something _to thrive for and fight for. I wanted to change _something_. I wanted to make an impact. It was then I decided to get the hell out of there and recreate myself, to truly live and not only merely exist.

My first healthy crush was still as tainted as my first; granted this time he isn't ignoring me, insulting me and turning me down, until finally **he **is ready to return my feelings, when it's convenient for **him**. No, this time it's worse. This time he feels the same. He holds me close to his chest and lets me cry on his shoulder when things overwhelm me. I'm over-emotional you see, and I need someone to vent to, someone who'll listen and not tell me what to do; he doesn't give cliché, not to mention false advice. He just lets me rant and rave about the unfairness of life, and he doesn't say a thing, he just stares at me with a blank look that should make me feel unsettled; but instead it calms me. The hidden love in his eyes, even in the worst of situations and it makes me feel safe. His eyes are home to me. He knows all my secrets and my dreams as well. He isn't just my best friend though; he is my sensei, my mentor. Fourteen years older than me. I'm just a teenager to him, seventeen to be exact. He's thirty-one, slowly starting to settle in as an adult while I am just starting my young adult life. Its taboo, yeah that's true. However, when I'm with him I just can't pull away.

I get caught up in the erotica of things, the afterglow of romance where Kakashi shows a rare sight into his mind and shares his secrets and hopes with me; his fears, and his nightmares. All sparked up by after sex pillow talk, while he slowly traces my naked body with his overly-calloused fingers and kisses my neck, sucking on my soft skin and leaving his mark, his symbol of owner-ship. He does this to give himself a break from a painful story, I know this. Though, I do not say a thing, I just let him talk. I am there for him, to allow him to share at his own pace and burry himself inside me, letting him take the week's frustrations and stress out on me. We go about three rounds a day, the entire short 2 day weekend we share together.

The last day's morning sex is always passionate and full of longing. I can tell he wants me stay, but we both know I can't. So he becomes torturous and moves slowly, hitting every sensitive spot within me with perfect accuracy, until finally within a half an hour or so, he speeds up and allows me to finish, just to slow down half way through my peak and force me to ride out my high for longer than normal. Once I'm an immobile mess beneath him he gives four or five extra thrusts, a little rougher than before and finishes deep inside of me.

He's allergic to latex so I take the pill, and to be completely honest with myself I like it better this way as well. I like the feel of his juices lubricating my inner walls, it's intoxicating. Then he pulls me onto his chest and holds me tightly with one arm as he gently plays with my bubblegum locks. Placing soft, caring kisses up and down my neck and cheeks. Softly biting my ears from time to time. He whispers sweet things, words full of promises and desires. Things neither one of us know for certain, but I just agree with a soft smile, hope sparkling in my eyes. My heart always swells with hope; the hope of our love being something real, something we can share with others. The hope that someday we won't feel the need to lie to our friends just to be able to spend time together unnoticed. We know though, that these are only hopes for now.

The next few hours are heartbreaking, _every damn weekend my heart breaks._ He becomes distant and quiet again, I know he's trying to pull himself away from me and let me walk out the door but it hurts. It hurts that he even has to distance himself from me. When I leave; walking down the quiet dirt road between his apartment and my house, I think about everything. As I watch the sun sink behind the hokage heads I feel sick thinking that I won't be able to touch the man I love for another week, that I'll have to pretend that we're strictly ex-sensei and student. I'll have to deal with Ino setting me up on blind dates and Naruto asking me to train with him in attempt to cheer me up. I have to act normal while all I can do is worry about Kakashi while he is out on A-S rank missions.

If he were to die before we could be open about our love, I don't think I could keep myself together. It would instantly become obvious that he was so much more to me than my sensei. I'm not sure if I would just stop breathing or slowly die of heartache as I drink myself numb and risk my life recklessly on missions more difficult than I can handle. It could honestly go either way.

We haven't even said I love you, we just know. All it takes is one look, a smile, a soft chaste kiss. I love him so much that it hurts, every part of me hurts. My head is swollen with thoughts; good and bad. I want to run away with him, but neither of us would abandon this village for something so selfish as love. This village is our downfall, we love it more than we love ourselves; equal to how much we love each other. He is a self-loathing, reckless, perverted idiot, but he's mine. No one else has this knowledge but I do, and that's what matters. I know he is mine, and he knows I am his. We are not supposed to have each other, to love each other like we do, but it's too late. We're too deep into this mess and there is no getting out. Its sink or swim and I have a gut feeling that we'll sink

_However, as long as I can sink alongside him, I think I'll be happy. _


End file.
